some yarns……

Bob

It was amazing. After tens, perhaps hundreds of thousands of years of squabbling and conflict, bloody wars and massacres, the comings and goings of Ultimate Answers, and endless endorsements from one god or another, humanity at long last launched the definitive war.
Wise men and philosophers had often postulated that mankind was innately incapable of “waging peace”, though it was a catchy turn of phrase to be sure. This time was different, however. It was a conflagration of unprecedented violence and intensity, and when the dust settled after several terrible years, there were only two people remaining on the face of the earth. As luck would have it, they were both named “Bob”.
They first discovered each other’s existence while foraging one day through the rubble of some unnamed former town or city. As Bob reached down to move a scrap of some soot-laden material in order to reveal the rest of a hidden shiny object, he heard a noise off to his left.
Simultaneously, on the other side of a large irregular black glassy structure, Bob heard the tinny sound of the soot-laden material being dragged aside, and stopped short.
“What was that?” he whispered with a start. Cautiously gripping a length of pipe he had found, he edged forward to investigate. Meanwhile, Bob picked up the shiny object and stared intently toward the black glassy thing.
“Hello?” he finally offered, tentatively.
It was a magnificent moment of mutual discovery as Bob and Bob came into the open and first saw each other. Each had spent endless days and months exploring what was left of the former earth in hopes of finding other life, but to no avail. Each had finally come to accept that he was the only remaining human being on the planet and would live out his days in silent solitude. This was remarkable! There was somebody else after all!
“I’m Bob,” one finally spoke out.
There was a brief time of awkward emptiness before his counterpart chuckled, “me too.”
Peace was vigorously waged for a considerable amount of time until, one day, Bob and Bob decided to decide how best to continue doing so for the foreseeable future. Bob suggested that, in the interest of avoiding conflicts and unresolvable differences, one of them should be in charge. Bob, on the other hand, thought it more reasonable that they should each simply see to his own affairs, and when differences might occur, discuss them.
Predictably, they were unable to come to an agreement, and one night, while Bob was sleeping, Bob hit him over the head with a great rock and that was the end of that. Unfortunately, since they were both named Bob, there was no way to figure out who “won”, and the matter remains unresolved regarding the best way for man to wage peace. Thus, even with only one human being left in the universe, we still don’t know if mankind is capable of living peacefully.

… ~-~* * *~-~ …

…and God said “SHIT

Once upon a Dimension, a Minor Supreme Being-JG was considering a topic for his senior thesis in preparation for his attempt to qualify as a Major BMFIC, which would give him access to all sorts of perks, powers, and privileges in the Grand Scheme of Things.
At last he settled on a rather simple study which, he postulated, would demonstrate his ability to design and create basic self-sustaining life forms. Rather than follow the predictable paths chosen by his peers, who for the most part had elected to dabble with intricate and complex entities, the MSB-JG in question decided to see what would happen if he provided a simple parasitic virus with the ability to think.
He executed the Creation and began to take notes.
Immediately, the organisms, being parasitic viruses, set about the business of identifying things in their environment which would sustain them. Interestingly enough, since they were parasitic viruses, they also began to consume each other and themselves. The added curiosity of self awareness and a certain amount of intellectual capacity provided a unique twist to the reaction, and the mass began to divide and coagulate into independent groups which developed limited levels of internal cooperation apparently intended to increase each group’s likelihood of being able to overwhelm the other groups.
Additionally, the disparate globs also quickly set about the task of utilizing their carelessly provided powers of reason to define their own existence, each group and sub-group in turn authoring and establishing as Law whatever version of the Truth of its Own Creation would justify its particular method of exterminating or consuming its fellow groups and sub-groups. The process instantly, in the micro-blink of no more than several million years or so, became a chain reaction which bloomed out of control and drew the attention of the Ruling BMFIC’s when, ironically, it reached the point that the virus started defining and assigning various personalities and powers to BFMIC’s of its own creation, thus rendering it non-responsive to all efforts by the Ruling BMFIC’s to redirect or tame it.
The Ruling BMFIC’s were left with no option but to quickly extinguish the conflagration before it could infect and destroy Energy and Time as well as the remaining Matter in that particular corner of Existence.
The responsible Minor Supreme Being-JG not only was roundly chastised for his foolish experiment and expelled from the Academy, but he was assigned the dreaded penance of cleaning out Black Holes, which had been recklessly created by another Minor SB-JG in another Time and Place and had been wreaking havoc with Existence by sucking up shit from all over creation for a billion eons or so.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Responses

  1. Toad,
    You have avery interesting mind! Keep ’em coming!
    Vig


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