cerebral borborygmus

The key to World Peace and Harmony would be for everyone to stop practicing Cultural Proctology, but since we’re evidently hard-wired to so practice, the best bet is to cover your butt. ……….

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If you have an election lasting more than four years, call your politician ……….

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Sometimes over the years I have fallen into a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose, but it has also worked the other way around. The good news is that I always came out, and I always smelled like something……….

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The local newspaper has this unsettling tradition of printing a body shop ad on the obituary page….

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My cat has this thing about jumping up on the desk while I’m on the computer and sticking his butt in my face. I suppose I could tolerate that if he’d at least open his mouth so I could see the screen….

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Online birthday communication between my brother in law and I:

B.I.L.: Happy Birthday. I bought you four new tennis balls to put on the bottom of your walker, but the dog chewed them up….

My reply: Tell your dog to chew his own balls…….

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There’s a squirrel running around the inside of my skull, and I’ve been chasing the little s.o.b. for sixty eight years. Most people mistakenly assume I’ve been trying to catch him all these years. The truth is, I’ve been ensuring that he just keeps running as fast as he can……………………..

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I’ve reached that clumsy stage where I misjudge table corners, step on my own shoelaces, spill all beverages down the front of me, and so forth. Last winter I did a face plant from the porch steps while shoveling snow. I’ve been thinking of getting one of those doo-dads you hang around your neck for emergencies, but I can’t find one that says “$@#^!!&!!..I’ve $#@$%^ fallen and can’t #$%@#$ get back up..!^$#@!!!!”

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I was a bit conflicted the first time I received junk mail from the Scooter Store. I didn’t know whether to feel like I’d “arrived” or like I’d LEFT and just didn’t know it yet…………………

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There haven’t been too many things on this earth that I have found to be quite as annoying as some old fart bleating “Why in MY day…”, or something of that sort. Now that I’m the old fart doing the bleating, I don’t find it very annoying at all.

Odd.

The annoying thing these days is the blank stares and rolling eyes of those little shits who just don’t get it…

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A recent news item said some poor woman had tripped at a New York Museum, ripping a big hole in a Picasso. Three questions immediately came to mind.
(1) How would anybody notice?
(2) Did it help?
(3) Was the lady OK?

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Some people laugh all the way to the bank. I tried that, but when I got there they laughed back, so I decided I’ll just have to laugh all the way to the grave.

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Most people feel good walking away from an asshole……. some people just seem to feel better being one.

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<span In our efforts to overcome the excesses of the past, we create the excesses of the present.

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Lets get honest here. Evangelical types are on straight commission in a pyramid scheme. When the Mary Kay lady rings the bell, she’s out to earn a pink Cadillac. When the Salvation Sales Rep knocks on the door, he’s looking for enough Brownie Points to sew up his own ticket to the Big Playground in the Sky.

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With all due respect to my dearly departed forebears, It’s my neck and I’ll break it if I want to.

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My wife and I were both exhausted from lack of sleep. The intestinal virus going around hit our house hard and we’ve been like two shits passing in the night.

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