Posted by: JDM..... | October 29, 2013

Capitalizing on toadyism…

one boot lick at a time….

Having finally bitten the bullet and dived into the new techy digital age of wireless Doohickies and Thingamajigs I’ve invented a new machine, although I suppose that’s a technical misnomer for an electronic device. Whatever it might be called, I need to get hold of the patent office first thing in the morning.

The idea came to me one recent evening while struggling through yet another news (sic) clip about another someone with a hair trigger Butt-Kiss response prostrating himself on the Altar of Politically Correct Shame for an allegedly dissonant public occurrence. In fact, the anguished entity, none other than broadcast network ABC, didn’t even commit the beastly sin, but a CHILD on one of their shows made an unscripted faux pas and the execs couldn’t pass up a golden opportunity to hijack accountability and publicly munch on crow.

Is this a fad? An addiction? A personality disorder? I don’t know, but I have assaulted this keyboard on more than a few occasions over the past couple of years when anyone who was well known, or liked to fantacize that he was, moped with lightening speed to the nearest microphone or TV camera to confess his inhumanity. In some cases, those who allegedly had been offended either hadn’t even heard the good news yet or weren’t more than mildly annoyed, and perhaps needed a nudge from some volunteer whipping boy to get the ball rolling.

So, once again, Duty Calls!

There are headlines to write, pages to fill, boats to rock, advocates to validate, and points to be won, so ABC took the bull$hit by the horns and bared their corporate soul with the enthusiasm of Dobby the House Elf of Harry Potter renown reaching for something to bash himself in the head with.

Apparently, during a comedy skit in which kids were interviewed about their take on current events, one child served up an unscripted and politically incorrect quip with the potential to fire up some of Asian heritage with Al Sharpton-like intensity. (No kidding, I once wrote a blog about chocolate and Sharpton threatened to camp out on my lawn for using the word “brown” without his permission). Well, not really, but as I was saying, an oriental version of the good Senator from New York whined to ABC and the rest is….whatever one wants to make of it, I suppose. Granted, what the kid said wasn’t very nice, but if I said something that wasn’t very nice when I was a kid, I got a punch in the nose at recess, or had my mouth washed out with soap, and that was the end of it. Today it can lead to three and a half new laws and a spike in the median income of attorneys (hence, the grovelfests). As for deciding what to make of it, how does one make something meaningful out of something nonsensical?

Once again, I am moved to comment on the modern compulsion to self-flagellate anytime anyone not located on the same portion of the bell curve as the alleged violator of some implied social fiat raises a disapproving eyebrow. As most will recall, over the past several decades, there has been a lemming-like stampede to Uncle Sam’s apron strings of folks seeking their Membership Cards and Magic Whistles for the Victims Club. In order to qualify, one has only to prove that he or she was neither a Republican nor a Mayflower Descendant, had been associated with the “wrong side of the tracks” at some point, had ancestors who landed at Ellis Island or on the banks of the Rio Grande, or who had a funny name, marched to the beat of selected drums, or simply thought they might slip in under the tent flaps. The motivation for this unusual form of magnetism was access to programs and other special benefits created for the Allegedly Oppressed and taboo for everyone else, who were doomed to not only have to pay for their own stuff but for that of the privileged underprivileged as well.

It was a good idea when it started out way back when. There really were some who were required by law or convention to settle for the short end of the stick, and steps were taken to improve their lot. Unfortunately, the whole idea got out of hand. Now, instead of an over worked and understaffed sub-bureaucracy ensuring that the truly oppressed and disadvantaged had food, clothing, shelter and equal protection under the Constitution of the United States, we have a swollen public payroll feeding hundreds of thousands of workers who’s job it is to see that nobody with a Membership Card and Magic Ring wants for food (including potato chips, Twinkies, and lobster), clothing (“good” stuff….being out of style lowers the self esteem), housing, education (college entrance handicapped like golf, grants, loans written off), transportation, yadda, yadda, yadda. Oh, I almost forgot, ….and to ensure that NONE so qualified gets called rude names or has his or her feelings hurt.

So, to get back to my invention, I sort of sympathize with those who find necessary to publicly munch crow whenever someone on The List gets a tic or looks like he might if the mood strikes him. The consequence, in most social circles, is like a twenty first century version of drawing and quartering. Nevertheless, toadyism is repulsive regardless of the reasons cited, so in honor of those who soak up shame like Aruba sunshine I created a device that will take any remnants of ambivalence out of the process and kick-start the requisite self flagellation display automatically.

I have tentatively decided to call it the A.S.S.H.O.L.E. , or the Apology Simulator for $hit Heads Offended by Literally Everything. As the name implies, it will be a device that monitors various neurobiological functions to sense when any qualified individual is insulted, called a name, or given the finger by one who is not qualified. Those not qualified will be monitored through their cell phones, computers, refrigerators, teeth, and pets for untoward words or evidence of intention to utter such words. The device will then use a form of automated neuro-stimulation to trigger an Apology Response in selected individuals or their proxies.

All I have to do is figure out how to hack the NSA so I can access the data and I’m golden. I’m going to make a bundle.

 

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