Posted by: JDM..... | September 2, 2013

Groundhog Day.….

Reiterated all over again…..

Well, here we are, another Saturday morning in Cyberland.

For some reason, most likely ennui and lethargy on my part, my computer cranks up to MSN as a “home page”. Whatever. After sputtering through our morning “newspaper” to the tune of a half cup of coffee, I’m thirsty for some real skinny on what’s with the local environs and the world in general so far today.

From what I’ve seen so far, this may actually take the other half of that first cup of coffee to plod through.

Let’s see. A quick scan of the headlines and featured articles reveals a recap of what happened earlier this week. That’s odd. For most of that time period, say, Monday through Wednesday, the headlines and featured articles were a review of the previous weekend’s “news”.


Hmmmm…. Sunday. I wonder if anything interesting occurred on the planet on Saturday? As of Saturday morning, it was like a scene out of Groundhog Day Groundhog Day. There was nothing in the morning paper I hadn’t already read on line, and there wasn’t much on line that hadn’t been there before. There was the obligatory recap of the previous recaps. Oh, joy. Some editor played Musical Paragraphs and walked through a room where a Thesaurus was suspected to have been on a shelf somewhere, and voilà !

Morning newspaper. Same shit, different issue. I live in a small town, and the “ newspaper ” swipes everything from the wire or You-Tube. I’ve got all the dirt from Seattle, Washington, DC, and L.A. down pat, but if I want to know what’s going on in MY town, I have to hang around the donut shoppe or poll people on the street at random.

“Mornin’……what’s happening…..?”

“&%@# you, pal…!”

So much for the Man on the Street view.

At least the Sunday comics were pretty good. I strongly suspect Arlo & Janis is actually drawn by the National Security Agency, because they (Arlo & Janis) are absolute clones of my wife and me, right down to the foolish cat and his/my interactions with it. Only the NSA could pull that one off.


Oh, wow….. Monday . I don’t know why I still get the newspaper. It’s been dead for two years now, but hasn’t realized it yet. I did book reports in fifth grade that were thicker than this thing; and about as enlightening. Nevertheless, I do continue it. The current editor is my political counterpoint, so I’m not in his choir. My cat could do the crossword puzzle and lick himself at the same time. Just like the “news”, my assessment of the news content is the same as it was on Saturday and Sunday. The best part of the whole thing is the Police Reports. I’m sure the editor likes them too, because they fill up a lot of space where the ads used to be. It is always a head-slapper to learn that there was a fight at the local dive at 1:30 a.m. Sunday morning; and of course, there was a domestic dispute over on Peace and Love Street again. That one’s in a couple of times per week. I’m surprised they haven’t made it a Reality Show yet. It would probably knock the socks off Honey Booboo.

The internet, at least the MSN page where I tend to start out (I’m lazy), was a digital Xerox of everything published since Friday.

Groundhog Day all over again.

Home pages like this floor me, and they’re all pretty much the same fare, as far as I’ve been able to figure out. They’ll feature a couple of items of global import and general interest, such as the ongoing lottery regarding whether President Obama will make an obscene gesture and stick his tongue out at Syria or not, and the rest is virtually all tabloid fare. You know, those pulp-newsprint objects racked up at the grocery store checkout counter where you could learn about two headed babies and where Elvis was seen. Now that stuff is on line. How the hell do you wrap fish in a web page?

I logged off after deleting the spam from my inbox……today it was a half dozen or so ALL CAPS announcements about one-day sales of one-cent vacations to Aruba, Viagra, coupons for cheap oil changes, and how to meet horny local women. Jeez! I decided to head downtown for a donut and some local dirt and perhaps a little better luck with the Man on the Street poll shtick.

On the way into the donut shoppe where all the usual blue-hairs and street people were hogging their usual tables, I spotted a kid walking toward me. He was weaving back and forth on the sidewalk and he was looking at some gizmo in his hands instead of where he was going, so I figured he must have been “texting”. At times like that, I sincerely wish I had a gizmo of my own with a recording of a car horn and the screeching of tires on it to let loose just before the point where the texter would ram me if I didn’t step out of the way. But I don’t, so I didn’t, and I didn’t step aside either, so the kid had to do one of those toe-stand stops.

“I’m sorry,” I offered gratuitously, and smiled. I know, I know, but keep in mind, if it wasn’t for passive aggression there wouldn’t be any such thing as HUMOR. Anyway, I capitalized on the opening to maybe glean a few second hand tidbits about current events from this bionic adolescent with a direct connection to Cyberspace.

“Say,” I said, “I hate to bother you, but I see you’re connected there and I was hoping maybe you could tell me what the Big News of the day is out there…..?”

The kid looked at me and raised his eyebrows…. “WTF, GYOGDIP! ^URS…”

Coffee and a donut it is, then….. Or, maybe I should just wait until Friday for a full report.


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